Conflict is inevitable in the workplace. Whether it’s a disagreement with a colleague, a miscommunication with a supervisor, or a tough conversation during a job interview, how you handle conflict can make all the difference.
Over the years, I’ve coached many professionals on workplace communication, and there’s one simple phrase that can completely shift the dynamic of a tense conversation: “Help me understand.”
These three words hold the power to de-escalate conflict, foster better relationships, and even give you an advantage in job interviews or workplace discussions.
Why ‘Help Me Understand’ Work
It Prevents Escalation
When emotions run high, it’s easy to react defensively. But when you pause and say, “Help me understand,” you shift the conversation from confrontation to curiosity. Instead of fueling an argument, you open the door for discussion.
It Encourages Empathy
Often, we’re so focused on proving our point that we miss the opportunity to truly hear the other person. This phrase invites a deeper understanding of their perspective, making it easier to find solutions rather than just defending positions.
It Puts the Responsibility on Them
By asking someone to explain their reasoning, you’re not backing down—you’re encouraging them to clarify their thoughts. This can reveal whether their stance is well-founded or based on assumptions and emotions.
Applying This in the Workplace
With a Boss or Supervisor:
If you receive feedback that seems unclear or unfair, instead of reacting defensively, try this:
Example: Your manager says, “Your report didn’t meet expectations.
Response: “Help me understand which areas need improvement so I can make the necessary adjustments.”
This shows you’re open to feedback and willing to improve, rather than pushing back or shutting down.
In a Job Interview:
If an interviewer challenges your experience or asks a tough question, respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Example: The interviewer says, “You don’t seem to have experience in X area.”
Response: “Help me understand what specific skills or experiences you’re looking for so I can share how my background aligns.”
This keeps the conversation open and allows you to highlight your strengths in a way that addresses their concerns.
During Workplace Conflicts:
Example: If a colleague criticizes your approach to a project, rather than getting defensive, say:
Response: “Help me understand what concerns you have about my approach so we can find a solution that works for both of us.”
This turns the conversation into a problem-solving discussion rather than a battle of opinions.
Your Challenge This Week
The next time you find yourself in a disagreement—whether at work, in a job interview, or even in daily life—pause and say, “Help me understand.” Notice how it changes the energy of the conversation and leads to more productive outcomes.